Sorry is NOT the hardest word

A top executive once asked me whether a manager should apologise after making a mistake. His manager who had clearly made a mistake refused to apologise, ostensibly on the grounds that an apology was an admission of guilt and possibly of an inability to adequately perform his job, and therefore should be avoided whenever possible.

Admitting your mistakes is not a sign of weakness. It shows you’ve the courage to know you are wrong and that you’ve become stronger. If a manager has made a mistake, retaining the respect of his team and peers is contingent on his willingness to accept responsibility for his mistake, directly, to the people affected. To ignore responsibility for his mistake, or worse to blame it on others, could be perceived as weak and disingenuous.  A manager who habitually refuses to accept responsibility but adopts a “teflon” attitude will never be a good leader. Ultimately, he’ll never be trusted by those with whom he works.

Managers should never be afraid to admit their mistakes. Even great leaders admit their mistakes and take responsibility for them. An oft-quoted example is that of late US President John F Kennedy, who made the mistake on the advice of others of the Bay of Pigs debacle. After the failed invasion of Cuba embarrassed the US and the Kennedy Administration, Kennedy’s advisers told him to blame intelligence agencies for giving him improper information.

Rather than take that advice, however, Kennedy famously said: “There’s an old saying that victory has a hundred fathers and defeat is an orphan … Further statements, detailed discussions, are not to conceal responsibility because I’m the responsible officer of the government …”

So what’s the big deal about apologies? Management, just like love, means having to say you’re sorry. This phrase, of course, is the antithesis of the famous “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” based on a line from the novel and 1970 film Love Story.

Though the line proved memorable, it has also been criticised or mocked for suggesting that apologies are unnecessary in a love relationship.

Well, as you may have already guessed, I’m totally with the critics. I think the phrase is probably the dumbest thing ever said, to which legendary singer-songwriter John Lennon, a founding member of The Beatles, offered a contrary version: “Love means having to say you’re sorry every five minutes.”

You may ask, “What’s love got to do with management?” Yes, both involve people and relationships. Some even argue that management means never having to say you’re sorry, which is obviously adapted from the Love Story phrase. Again, I’m highly critical of that view!

Heartfelt apologies 

Far too many corporations have messed up again and again. While some offer heartfelt apologies and move on – often successfully – others appear incapable of admitting they've stumbled. Confronted with their silly mistakes, management too often apologises only for having upset the public or customers, not for the mishap itself; or they pad their apologies with obfuscation.

The BP oil spill saga is an example of the latter. The US government seemed to have understated the problem and ceded responsibility to BP. BP seemed to have acted to protect the Macondo oilfield rather than the Gulf of Mexico and the Gulf Coast.

Neither BP nor the US government seemed prepared for such an event. Both should have had an understanding of the potentially catastrophic ramifications of an accident and, more importantly, an ability to shut off the flow of oil – to minimise the damage – as is the case with rigs operating in the North Sea.

One of BP’s greatest mistakes was by CEO Tony Hayward, who failed miserably. He wallowed in self-pity, saying, “What the hell did we do to deserve this?” and then infamously said:  “I want my life back.”

Secondly, he was in denial, saying: “The Gulf of Mexico is a very big ocean. The amount of volume of oil and dispersant we are putting into it is tiny in relation to the total water volume.” He followed up later, saying: “I think the environmental impact of this disaster is likely to be very, very modest.”

Thirdly, he was arrogant and insensitive, saying, “I’m a Brit, I can take it,” which incensed the Americans, especially after he assured them he slept well at night. Finally, he showed misjudgement in declaring, “I don’t feel my job is on the line.” And, of course, he eventually lost his job.

What Hayward did and didn’t do – apologise and be remorseful about the tragedy – caused more harm than good. Had he acted otherwise, things would have turned out very differently and he could still be BP CEO today!

Experts say apologies that lack real regret or responsibility sow more distrust between businesses and the public. Take the case of Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, who issued a classic non-apology after the social-media giant performed psychological experiments on users without their express consent. “It was poorly communicated,” Sandberg said. “And for that communication we apologise. We never meant to upset you.”

A close reading suggests Sandberg wasn’t sorry for conducting the experiment – she apologised only for poor communication. A more recent flawed apology came from Uber CEO Travis Kalanick after a deputy suggested the company dig up dirt on journalists. Kalanick took 14 tweets to get to a sort-of apology – and even then, he earned low marks for sincerity.

Fine job of apologising 

Not all corporations are guilty of messing up after mistakes. Many have done a fine job of apologising and one is premier toy company Mattel. In 2007, Mattel recalled millions of toys due to product-safety concerns. 

Its Fisher-Price subsidiary recalled almost one million Chinese-made toys because of potential hazards from parts of toys coloured using lead-based paint that exceeded US federal limits, in certain cases by 180 times. Children who suck on or ingest toys with a high lead content may be poisoned, leading to learning and behavioural problems, and even death.

Mattel also recalled over 18 million products because they could endanger children due to the use of strong magnets that may come loose. Strong, small magnets could be dangerous to children if two or more are ingested, attracting each other in the intestines and causing damage.

Mattel CEO Robert Eckert quickly apologised, saying: “We were let down and so we let you down.” Its executive vice-president for worldwide operations Thomas Debrowski travelled to Beijing and took full responsibility for the magnet recalls. He said the “vast majority of those products that were recalled were the result of a design flaw in Mattel’s design, not through a manufacturing flaw in China’s manufacturers.” He said, “Mattel takes full responsibility for these recalls and apologises personally to you, the Chinese people, and all of your customers who received the toys.”

If you want to manage and lead well, it means having to say you’re sorry when you mess up. You need the respect of those to whom you provide direction and guidance. 

If your actions are merely to ensure you never receive blame for any mistakes, gaining that vital respect is unlikely to be achieved. Forget about your ego. Go ahead, say you’re sorry!

I’m sorry, Elton, but sorry is certainly NOT the hardest word!